Weiss Kreuz Fairy Tales
by ephedrine
Summary: A collection of silly spoofs packed into one major story. Not only fairy tales. It's been over-done... but hey, it's fun, right? Chap 2 - Little Red 'Shi-ne'-ing Katana (Little Red Riding Hood)
1. The Little Mermaid

**A/N -** Do NOT ask what I was thinking when I had this idea. It came to me when I was aimlessly surfing the net.   
  
**Disclaimer -** I don't own the entire cast of Weiss Kreuz. I'm only borrowing to embarrass the crap out of them and to entertain all you lowly people... Wait... That didn't come out right. Eheh.  
  
**THE LITTLE MERMAID**  
  
Once upon a time (the pathetic author is pleased that she's able to use this corny starting), in the middle of the Pasific Ocean, there lived a colony of mermen and maids. There was a great king ruling this amazing kingdom and his name was King Aya. This king's real name was actually Ran, but he copied his sister's name when she had a serious case of 'memoidtisis' (his sister is now cursing herself for not copyrighting her name earlier). She is much better now, and she's working at a seaweed shop, where her brother had once taken care of with his 3 other piffling subordinates. Her brother usually visits the Kosakana whenever he can.  
  
King Aya had plenty of daughters. His wife had left him after bearing his youngest girl, Schuldigriel, saying that she never talked with King Aya anymore and that it felt like talking to an empty oyster. King Aya couldn't have cared less and had taken care of his rather conceited daughters all by himself (and had gained plenty of wrinkles as a result). He was quite fond of his youngest daughter (far by the prettiest, but no less self-centered than her sisters), but nobody really knew.  
  
Schuldigriel always dreamt about going 'out there'. 'Out there' was the world where she got her little trinklets from. She wantedto dance and walk with those weird human slappers (feet, to you and me). She had two very good friends, Nagi the telekenetic flounder-fish and Crawford the crabby... crab.   
  
"I wonder what it'll be like to be 'out there'..." said Schuldigriel, putting on her best faraway voice. The three of them were lazing about at the haven where Schuldigriel kept all her useless junk. Crawford 'pfft'ed, checking his pincers for any dirt that happened to lie there while Nagi had a streak of rebellion.  
  
"How about we go and check out the Sunken Ship? Maybe'll we'll find something there," he said, floating about. Schuldigriel thought it was a great idea and so the two of them left, leaving Crawford behind to bitch about how stupid they both were.  
  
---  
  
After they came across the Sunken Ship and explored every deep dark stinky inch of the place, they stumbled across a small, shiny mini-trident along with a brown... thing. Schuldigriel stuffed them both into his favorite girly bag. Suddenly, a big fat shark charged through the ship's windows, scaring the snot out of Schuldigriel and Nagi.   
  
"I AM THE GREAT TAKATORI!" yelled the shark, pounding on his chest. Upon further inspection, Nagi winced when he saw that the shark forgot to shave his white hair near the temples of the sharks face. He then charged at the two of them while Schuldigriel and Nagi swam around like mad fishes. Nagi then cursed how stupid he was and used his telekinetic powers to trap Takatori. Takatori roared and felt like a fool. Schuldigriel and Nagi high-fived and bumped each other's hips in a weird ritual dance before leaving, making their way to shore.   
  
"Yo, Bombay!" cried Schuldigriel, behaving rather unlady-like. Omi, the little seagull waved a pruney claw at them. Nagi felt a bit shy around this particular gull, seeing as he found Bombay VERY CUTE. Schuldig always wondered what their kids will turn out like.  
  
"Hi, Bombay..." mumbled Nagi, finding his fins very interesting all of a sudden. A streak of pink flushed on Bombay's face as he returned the greeting.  
  
"Yeah, whatever... Just tell us what this is!" said Schuldigriel, feeling bored of the two creatures and their immature crush. It was so blatantly obvious that they both liked each other. WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST KISS AND LIVE HAPPILY TOGETHER!? Oh right, there was the whole 'I live in the surface' and 'I live in the sea' problem.  
  
"Eh..." Bombay twaddled over to his mini-laptop and checking the InterFishnet. "Ah! This prongy thing's a-- a DINGLEHOPPER!" cried the adorable gull, his claws clickedy-clackeding over the keys. Schuldigriel eyed the dinglehopper suspiciously before knowing what he would use it for. He chucked it back into his girly bag.  
  
"And that! That's a-- a SNARFBLAT!" said Bombay, satisfied. Schuldigriel grabbed the snarfblat and yanked Nagi back to the castle, not even bothering to thank Bombay. Nagi made the palm leaves fly around Bombay romantically before he gurgled and spoilt the mood as he was dunked under the water.  
  
"GURRRGGGLLLEEEGGGWW!!!"  
  
---  
  
They came back to the castle and it seemed that they had spoilt King Aya's ceremony! Of course, Crawford was the one who reprimanded them as King Aya had only brushed it off with a grunt and a twiddle of his (kinky) earring.  
  
Schuldigriel cried right there and then. He whined and floated off to her secret haven while Nagi glared at Crawford along the way. Crawford groaned and buried his head in his pincers. He sometimes felt like he was dealing with two very immature children.  
  
Schuldigriel sang a sad song about his 'out there'. Then he spots a something like fire (never mind that she has probably not have seen any fire before). She flies out gracefully and spots a deliciously hot guy drowning.  
  
_'Better save him and then stun him with my glorious beauty!'_ she thought, pulling the guy to shore. Schuldigriel choked as the guy's hair clogged her face. _'God, has this guy ever heard of CUTTING his damn hair!? Fich...'_ (oh, the author has so stupidly forgotten to mention that Schuldig had found a German dictionary once and had went on 'bad word patrol')  
  
Once the guy was dragged up to shore, bumping a few rocks on the way because of Schuldigriel's carelessness. Schuldigriel took out her compact and straightened out her hair and made herself all pretty. Then she sang. Yes, again. Before she jumped back into the water, damning the guy's friend who decided to ruin her moment. The guy woke up after being slapped senseless.  
  
"Oi, Yohji! WAKE UP ALREADY!!!" screamed the brunette, who was attacking the poor blond. Crawford and Nagi get washed up to shore and puked up their insides.   
  
"I- I heard someone singing. She was beautiful..." said Yohji, leering. The two of them leave, letting Schuldigriel have a great view of Yohji's delectable ass.  
  
Crawford eyes narrowed. "Let's go back. Don't oogle over him, Schuldigriel. It makes you even more idiotic than usual..." The crab scuttered back into the water, pulling the two back into the water.  
  
---  
  
Crawford grumbled inwardly before striking up in song...  
  
"The seaweed is always greener   
  
In somebody else's lake   
  
You dream about going up there   
  
But that is a big mistake   
  
Just look at the world around you   
  
Right here on the ocean floor   
  
Such wonderful things surround you   
  
What more are you lookin' for?   
  
Under the sea   
  
Under the sea   
  
Darling it's better   
  
Down where it's wetter   
  
Take it from me   
  
Up on the shore they work all day   
  
Out in the sun they slave away   
  
While we devotin'   
  
Full time to floatin'   
  
Under the sea!"  
  
Schuldigriel cheered while Crawford feels like burying himself under the sand. Nagi thought that he was out of tune at some points, but decided not to say anything, seeing as Crawford looked ready to do some serious pincer-action.  
  
---  
  
Things were not easy in the sea world. There was an evil witch called Masafumirsula. He (yes, HE) wanted to rule the sea world and kick King Aya's ass. Schuldigriel, sick and tired of the sea, struck up a deal with her and became a human to make dear Yohji to fall in love with her. There was a drawback though, Schuldigriel ends up dumb while she's at it. She walked up to his house, not minding her nudity. After all, she WAS perfect. Yohji immediately spotted her and asked her to marry him, for he was oh-so-lonely. Schuldig nodded and they kissed passionately. Crawford, hanging on Schuldigriel's shoulder, felt strangely mad.   
  
Many people attended the wedding. But our dear Masafumirsula decided to crash it. Yohji ran like a sissy and hid under the tables while Schuldigriel bitchily snatched the shell where her voice was kept and threw it on the floor. Crawford then snapped his pincers and a giant rose from the sea.  
  
"Killing hurts G--"  
  
"SHUDDAP AND FIGHT ALREADY!!!"  
  
Then Fisharello got up and stabbed Masafumirsula with a dinglehopper. Everyone cheered as Masafumirsula (author is now slapping herself for making up such long names for the cast) burst in flames except for a tiny tot with an umbrella (no pun intended).   
  
---  
  
**What? Oh, you want a proper ending? Oh okay...**  
  
Schuldigriel felt disappointed about Yohji. All looks but no... eh... braveness. Crawford got fed-up with Schuldigriel's incessant whining and decided to marry Schuldigriel himself. So they had a great ceremony. The mermaid... and the crab. And they lived happily ever after.  
  
As happy as one can be with a bitchy mermaid and a stick-up-my-arse crab.  
  
Well, you win some, you lose some... right?  
  
--- 


	2. Little Red Shineing Katana

**A/N -** Another update. My brain's been on hyper mode for the most part. -sigh-   
  
**Disclaimer -** I don't own the entire cast of Weiss Kreuz. I'm only borrowing to embarrass the crap out of them and to entertain all you lowly people... Wait... That didn't come out right. Eheh.  
  
**THE LITTLE RED 'SHI-NE'-ING KATANA (LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD)**  
  
Little Fujimiya Aya (no, not the girl! The other one!) was skipping around happily in a field of flowers. Well, tromping, more like, because Little Red 'Shi-ne'-ing Katana wasn't very 'Little' anymore. He was a tall man, his head adorned with his beloved bendable katana and he had a little basket in hand. He loved wearing the katana as a scarf, but his friend, Little Yellow Womanizer (Yohji, in other words) told him that it only made him look like a freak. Little Aya didn't take heed of the ever-so-helpful advice, but carried on being his lovable self.   
  
He was off to see his (rather psychotic) albino of a grandmother but he wasn't looking forward to it. However, Mommy Omi demanded that Little Aya paid her a visit. Little Aya chose to spend his time in a field of daisies.  
  
"Oh my gosh! It's him! Little Red 'Shi-ne'-ing Katana! Come on, girls!"  
  
Little Aya froze and ran for his life as he saw a mob of pre-teen girls charging after him. He wasn't so lucky, though, and fell flat on his face as he fell over a tree root. He was glomped from every side and felt himself being pulled, pushed, shoved, poked, jabbed (and generally molested) everywhere.  
  
"Wai! He's so cute! Look Look! I've got a lock of his hair!"  
  
"Little Aya! --hey! stop pushing!-- I want to bear your children!"  
  
"Oh, Yume! Look at his fine arse! I could just--" He then felt a pinch on his backside. Sucking in a deep breath, Little Aya began to holler.   
  
"IF YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING THE GREENERY, GEDDOUT!!!"   
  
A few girls started to cry as he had just burst their precious eardrums but most of them continued anyway. It was until a groping hand flittered dangerously close to his lower region did Little Aya summoned himself to flee to save his boy parts, little basket in tow.  
  
"Hey! He's getting away! Get him, girls!"  
  
And with collected shrieks, the mob trampled after him.  
  
---  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
---  
  
An evil mutated wolf with a fish face prowled the area. He was hungry, DAMMIT! He need food! The wolf then saw smoke coming west and with a deep cackle, he followed. A few moments later, he came across a deserted church. Sniggering to himself, the Masafumi mutated wolf with a fish face went inside.  
  
"What the hell?"  
  
He came across a normal church interior but what wasn't so normal was the pale figure lying down on the altar. "Ah, Aya! Is that ye?" came the Irish accent. Masafumi got closer and had a fright. THIS was a human!? It sure didn't look edible to him! The hair was BLUE! Sure this would get him diarrhea if he ate this. He tossed the... THING -shudder- into a cupboard and stole the... THING's clothes. He didn't even bother to lock it, seeing that someone so UGLY would be stupid as well. He then put on the hideous costume, laid on the altar, and waited. And waited. And waited.  
  
"DAMMIT, I NEED FOOD!!!"  
  
---  
  
BACK TO OUR LITTLE STAR  
  
---  
  
After a few more games of Hide and Go Seek, Little Aya finally escaped the horrible girls! He began to sob loudly behind the bush, praying for his sanity before he remembered his grandmother and hopped off. As the scary church came into view, he had the strongest urge to fly away and bawl like a baby once more. However, brave Little Aya gathered his courage and walked (stomped) boldly into the church. He headed towards the altar and had a shock. Wow! His grandmother sure looked good!   
  
"Oi, you, why do you have big eyes?" he asked, in his usual eloquence. Masafumi eyed this (rather frightening) human. "And why do you have such big lips?" he continued, "And why--"  
  
The wolf couldn't stand it anymore. "It's called a FACELIFT, honey!"  
  
Little Aya felt something was wrong and unwrapped his bendable katana. It wobbled dangerously over Masafumi's chest and the wolf jumped out of the costume. "I'm going to the dream world! And NO ONE'S GONNA STOP ME!!!" he yelled, sounding like a character from a bad Western movie. Little Aya's face got as red as his hair and he raged (for absolutely no reason).  
  
"TAKATORI!!!"  
  
Our dear sweet Little Aya then stabbed the horrid wolf ("Yuck! Blood!") and freed his REAL idiot of a grandmother from the closet (the grandmother who had no brains to try to open the door, but instead was only intent on cursing God the whole damn time). Little Aya felt that the wolf was actually better looking than his grandma, but we can't all have what we want, can we? Grandma Farfie gave a scream of delight as she saw the pool of crimson surrounding the wolf and began to sprinkle the blood all around the pedestal.  
  
-NOTE: THIS SCENE HAS BEEN OMITTED DUE TO EXCESSIVE GORINESS-  
  
---  
  
**And so the ending begins...  
**  
Little Aya was happily skipping in a field of flowers, enjoying the morning breeze, before --  
  
"VROOM!!!"  
  
A Porsche passed by and destroyed the beautiful daisies. The person in the car looked back and grinned a toothless sinister smirk before speeding away. Little Aya stared at the flowerless field.  
  
"TAKATORI!!!"  
  
Little did Little Aya know that his little 'TAKATORI' bellow attracted all the pretty little girls in the little area. Little. Lit-tle. Little.  
  
"Look, Look! There he is! It's Little Red 'Shi-ne'-ing Katana! Let's go, girls!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
--- 


End file.
